i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
