I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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