I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
