the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
