Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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