Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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