just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
