I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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