remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
