if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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