Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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