All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
