I need to stop coming to work sober
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
