So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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