How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
