God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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