WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
