I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
