dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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