Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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