Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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