I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
