so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
