dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
