I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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