Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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