she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
