she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
