He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
