my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
