1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
