His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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