Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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