Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
