i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
