i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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