ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
