Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We're too hungover to prance.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
