I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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