booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
