I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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