Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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