420 ftw
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
