We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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