careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
