I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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