He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
