Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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