im drinking this country out of the recession.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
