Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
