he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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