Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
