Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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