How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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