And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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