nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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