I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
