Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
