For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
