I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
