i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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